Would anyone even read my blog?

Ive never blogged before... & Im not sure that anyone would read it.. But here goes!

Boy, am I glad to see 2013. 2012 was a very hard year for us.

The year started out hot, dry and windy... not ideal conditions for farming. Despite the terrible weather and lack of rain- Sloan made 3 bale cotton on his irrigated land. That is an awesome cotton crop, especially for the lack of rain. The cotton market is not doing wonderful right now & our cotton is worth about 40 cents less than it was last year. So even though we made a good crop, we spent tons of money on inputs and didn't get much return. We also didnt get a farm bill, so the future safety net for farmers is still up in the air. Sloan is an awesome farmer. He truly loves growing the fiber that we need to clothe the world.

As for me, I applied to graduate school. I was accepted to Texas Tech to work on a Ph.D. in Plant & Soil Science. I have only completed one semester, but I am really enjoying it! I really love my job and it goes perfect with my studies.

In May, shortly after my birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I stopped my birth control, and we decided to let God take it from there. We went in around 6 weeks and saw a heartbeat and everything looked great. I was given a due date of Feb 10. A few weeks later I went to the ER and found out that the baby's heart had stopped beating. I cannot even begin to describe the hurt that I felt. It was a terrible feeling. We had planned on keeping our pregnancy a secret, but we were so excited- we just couldn't keep it in. I had a D&C the day after our 1 year anniversary. We spent our anniversary at the doctor confirming the pregnancy was no longer viable and making plans for a D&C.  The hardest part was when people would ask how I was feeling or when I was due. I moped around for a few weeks, staying in bed most of the time. Sloan was my rock. I couldn't have made it without him.

I got pregnant again and started having mild bleeding. I kept getting my HCG levels checked and they were going up. So I was ASSURED that everything was fine. I just had a terrible feeling though. The worst part was dealing with this over the weekend. I refused to go back to the ER and there was nothing my clinic could do except draw blood. I went in for an ultrasound and they saw a gestational sac, but said it was too early to see anything else. I was told the sac was oval shaped, which was an indication that it could be collapsing. I went back a week later and they verified that nothing had changed. The sac was measuring the correct size, but nothing was formed inside. I really love my OB. She was really supportive and we decided to take the medication to expel the tissue. TMI ALERT- it was terrible. But I felt more closure than when I had the D&C. I really dont know how to describe what I was feeling at this point. It seemed that people isolated themselves from me. I think people were scared to say the wrong thing. My body was a wreak and I couldnt stop gaining weight. I actually didn't eat much for about 3 weeks. Between the 2 pregnancies, D&C and the medication I gained 30 pounds. Basically in 3 months. It also took about 60 days for all of the pregnancy hormone to leave my system.

I started to feel better and God truly graced me with strength to keep going. I turned to Him, this whole process made me realize that I was trying to control my life, when Im not the one in control. Although it was really cruddy, I learned alot! I now have eyes to see. Eyes to see when other people are hurting. Before I would just think to myself "suck it up honey" I had never experienced a real tragedy in my life. I could never understand why women who were 4-10 weeks pregnant were devastated over a miscarriage. Now, I understand and can be there to help those who may need me.

We are looking forward to a wonderful 2013! I can honestly say, we are happy! & thats what matters! We have a great home and a great marriage. I recently decided to start running again and we are saving money to build a house! Life is good at the Jackson House!